A Promise
by jasey
Summary: Snape made several promises in his life, and kept his word on every single promise, except one.


I own none of these characters, and I am not using them for resale. So stop making me offers. Slash  
  
I wrote this late one evening and posted it once, I took it down as this is all there is to it. One-shot is the term I believe.  
  
I hear his laughter from down the table, and it bids my blood to rise and warm without my consent. A normal reoccurrence of late, and I can barely stand it. I've spent most of my childhood and adult life gaining control and discipline over myself, and he ruins it within a few months. Pathetic. Laughter again, and my heart skips a beat. Enough of this! Hooch looks at me in surprise as I violently push myself from the table, overturning my wine goblet. I sneer and give a curt excuse, while escaping these petty torments that are driving me insane. His eyes follow me as I escape. The weight of the stare is too intense; I know that it belongs to him, and I seethe.  
  
I ignore the students and faculty I pass on the way to my sanctuary. Words from the past turn over and over in my head, promises I made, and every promise I've kept. And I have kept them all, all but one. And that one promise will be the key to my demise. I finally reach my office and slam the door with unnecessary force. I lean against it, and feel as if I'm running away from something. That's when I realize that I am. I'm running from myself, and my stupid promise. I'm such a fool. I push off the surface of the door and begin to pace the short length of my office.  
  
It can't be true. It just can't be! It's not. I know it's not. I'm disillusioning myself into believing I went back on my word. But I didn't. I keep my word at all times. People who don't are weak. I am not weak. Under no circumstance would I go back on my word. Never. Besides, no one can prove it. At reflection of this last thought, I throw the ink well at the wall and listen to the unsatisfying shatter of glass.  
  
"I AM NOT WEAK!"  
  
"Of course you're not Severus."  
  
I spin on my heel and see the aged wizard standing just inside my office.  
  
I nod my head in acknowledgement. "Headmaster."  
  
The headmaster smiled slightly, and shut the door with a wave of his hand. Silently he crossed the room to view the remains of my ink well.  
  
"Tsk Tsk, Severus. That's the one I gave you." Suddenly I feel as if I am a fool standing on ceremony without instructions. I resist the foolish and weak urge to fidget under his steady blue gaze.  
  
"My apologies Headmaster. Was there anything in particular you needed, or is this a social visit?"  
  
I watch as the old wizard settles himself behind my desk, and motions that I take the one just on the opposite side. I clench my teeth and take the chair. I avoid his gaze by straightening my robe, and try to discourage conversation by scowling.  
  
"Now that you mention it Severus, there was something that I had been meaning to speak with you about. I'm concerned of your habits of late."  
  
I look up from my perfectly straight robes, and attempt to control the size of my eyes. I apparently fail miserably as he adds a sparkle to his. He begins to trace two fingers around the rim of my pensive as he continues, now armed with the information I so pathetically gave him with a glance. I am such a fool. My scowl deepens.  
  
"You seem to be frequently absent from meals Severus. And when you do appear you eat close to nothing and leave at the soonest moment possible." He looks up from his tracing. "And you don't even wait until it's polite!"  
  
Relief begins to wash over me. "I assure you Headmaster." He interrupts before I can finish. My heart plummets.  
  
"Also, you stopped drinking coffee with the rest of the staff in the faculty room. You no longer attend staff meetings unless I demand it mandatory. You even stopped coming to tea with me. I was beginning to think you no longer enjoyed my company."  
  
"Of course not Headmaster." I reply suitably. All the while hoping that this was the end of the conversation.  
  
"But then, I began to recognize your symptoms Severus."  
  
"Have you?" Please Merlin no. Please allow me to retain a bit of dignity, don't throw it in my face. I am such a damned fool! My scowl is black I know, but he continues.  
  
"Indeed Severus." A steady look, and a tone that implies he finds the situation to be serious. But it's not. It's not serious. It's not even a situation. It's disillusionment. The whole idea is ludicrous! I don't go back on my word! I am not weak! Suddenly I think of my physical reactions to the laughter, and the gaze. I am weak. I feel the anger building again. I clench my jaw to suppress the instinct to shout in denial. I glare instead.  
  
"I see it in your every move Severus. Oh, I know you are trying desperately to hide it, but it shows on your soul. And I know your soul Severus."  
  
"I am not weak." The words escape my mouth through clenched teeth.  
  
"No Severus. You're human. And you're in love."  
  
I close my eyes against the steady gaze. I hear him scoot the chair back, and the rustle of his robes as he comes to a halt next to me. The weight of a hand on my shoulder, I tense under the touch that was meant to comfort.  
  
"The solution you are searching for is to accept the truth." "I will not give someone ammunition to make a fool out of me." The truth escaped my mouth.  
  
The old wizard sighed heavily. "Trust him Severus. Once you trust him, you will never have that doubt again. I promise." I feel a thrill of magic shoot through me, and I know that the wizard is gone.  
  
His words run through my head. I stand quickly to my feet, overturning the chair and grabbing the edge of the desk, turning it over. My papers, quills, and books litter the room.  
  
"WHY A PROMISE?" I shout to no one in particular.  
  
Anger has boiled over into rage. I kick the desk against the wall. A rage that burns deep, like jealousy. Jealousy I know. But what is this? It's nothing, but it runs deep. Too deep, it has to be real. I should have never made that promise. I compromised too much. I compromised my heart. I'm dumbstruck as this realization sets in.  
  
"Severus?"  
  
Suddenly the rage is gone at the sound of his voice, but it is still there. It's always still there. I can't ignore it now. My back is to the door, but I know he's staring at me, and the toll my anger has taken on my office. I sigh quietly to myself. I am weak. I'm coming undone, and soon I'll be nothing.  
  
"Severus, what have you done?"  
  
I close my eyes and surrender to my thoughts. I turn and meet his steady emerald gaze. He arches an eyebrow at my expression, and leans against the closed door apparently awaiting an answer. I don't want him here right now; I need to think about my escape. I don't want him to go either. I don't want him to leave a 2-meter radius of me. But now is not a good time. I need to think.  
  
"I was redecorating." The sarcastic tone comes as natural to me as breathing when I want to avoid something. The tone and the diversion is not lost on him. He gives me a smirk and crosses his arms over his chest.  
  
"Really? Well done. Might I suggest leaving things as they are and joining me in my quarters?"  
  
I flip the desk back on its legs with a wave of my hand, and avoid his eyes as I politely decline. "Thank you for the kind offer Potter, but I have much work to do."  
  
"Harry."  
  
I pick up the overturned chair, and attempt to give the impression that his presence is irritating me. "What?"  
  
"My name is Harry. We agreed on that a couple months ago, when we started sleeping together. Remember?" His tone was decidedly amused.  
  
Remember? Hell, I can't get it out of my head. Nights of passion that I had never before experienced with a lover before, male or female. Lying in his arms, content never to move again. Listening to him breathe and feeling his heart beat against my chest, knowing that I broke my promise. Knowing I don't deserve him.  
  
With my back to him again as I pick up books and scattered parchment I hear myself say, "Yes of course. But not tonight I think. Good Night Potter." An inner voice is asking me what the hell I'm thinking. What the hell am I thinking? Oh right, that I'm a pathetic fool.  
  
"Harry. And why not tonight?"  
  
Yes, why not tonight? Because I am an insipid twit who seems to have an inner voice that is loquacious to a fault. "I'm in no mood for this Potter."  
  
"It's Harry. Severus, just give me a reason, and I'm gone."  
  
"I did give you a reason. I have a lot of work to be done."  
  
"That's an excuse. I asked for a reason."  
  
Because I have no reason, I really do want to see him tonight. Except for the small fact that would mean going back on my word, and making me a statistic. My irritation is building with myself, and bleeding into my tone. "I don't have to give you a reason Potter." I say as I slam the pile of books on the desktop.  
  
I dare to take a glance at him, and his stare is unnerving. My irritation dissipates suddenly, and guilt rushes into take its place. It's time for him to leave.  
  
"You only have to say the word Severus, and this can stop completely." His voice is as steady as his eyes. "It's your choice."  
  
My choice. Oh yes of course. "Not tonight Potter. Good Night." I turn back to my books, and hear the door shut quietly.  
  
I am such a fool.  
  
"Good Morning Severus."  
  
I open my eyes to see a very cheerful and very awake pair of green eyes looking up from the coffee their owner was pouring to me. I scowl as the owner settled himself directly across the staff table from my seat.  
  
"Good Morning Professor Potter." I return before tossing the remaining cool amount of the disgusting beverage in my mouth, aware the eyes were studying me. At this point in time, Professor Flitwick enters the faculty room with a cheerful good morning. My scowl blackens. I really despise cheerful people.  
  
As Flitwick arranges himself down the table next to McGonagall, I stand to take my leave and give the excuse of preparing for my first class. All the while fully aware that it would appear that I'm actually escaping. Which I'm not of course.  
  
"Why Severus, you look terrible. You look as though you had a sleepless night." My lip curls at Flitwick's cheerful observation, only for him to go on about a fabulous new charm he read about to aid with sleeping to McGonagall.  
  
"I hear sleeping alone will do that to you." Potter said out of the corner of his mouth while blowing on his hot beverage.  
  
The coffee cup that I had to yet actually release from my hand, fell and shatters upon the stone floor. Muttering a repair charm I give one last glance to Potter as he smirks over his coffee cup at me. I give him a dark glare before exiting the staff room, knowing the green eyes follow the length of my robe.  
  
On a whim, I decide to spend my lunch hour in the library, looking up extra curriculum potions for my advanced classes. The library is always empty at this time of day, so I can be guaranteed to be alone. Searching through the dusty tombs, I begin to relax. Nothing can ease my mind better than researching the material of my profession. The world disappears between the covers of these books, making them even more precious to me. Which would also be the reason at my irritation when my nose twitches at the scent that invades my solitary. Crisp linen.  
  
A light touch to my shoulder, I try not to flinch.  
  
"You're skipping lunch."  
  
Damn. "When did you become so observant?" Leave me in peace.  
  
A snort. "About the time you decided to start avoiding me. Escaping at a moments notice; leaving as soon as I enter a room. It's rather touching come to think about it. You being so keen on giving me my space." Amusement was evident in his voice, and pricking my temper.  
  
I have yet to turn around and acknowledge the wizard behind me, "So why won't you leave me to mine?"  
  
"Because that's not why you're doing it." The amusement was gone.  
  
Shit.  
  
"Severus, what is really going on? What is it that you won't talk about? What are you hiding?"  
  
A sneer produces itself on my face. "What makes you think I'm hiding something?"  
  
The sneer ignored, two hands turned me around to meet two emerald eyes. With a slow searching look that took all my resistance not look away from, he answers me quietly.  
  
"You are hiding something. You're struggling with it. And you don't want to tell me."  
  
Panic rises within me, but cold indifference shows upon my face. The hands drop from my shoulders.  
  
"What is it you don't want to tell me Severus? And don't lie. I'll know if you lie."  
  
The trouble with sleeping with wizards more powerful than you, always leads to the same problem over and over again. I turn my back to him and cross aisles lined with bookshelves to one of the many windows. My heartbeat is racing as panic is now competing with dread. I won't! I just can't. I made a promise. I gave my word! I can't tell him. I can't possibly tell him. I'm such a bloody ------------ I can't tell him! I just can't! I'm so pathetic. Dumbledore is right. The only solution is to just tell him. Otherwise, I'm living a lie. I have to tell him.  
  
"Severus." His tone gives the hint of impatience.  
  
I turn to look at him; I open my mouth and shut it again. No words seem to come out. I close my eyes and try to form the words in my head, and it seems to be blank. I open my eyes again to see his expression darkening. Merlin, Harry! I'm trying! Do you realize how hard this is for me? My mind seems to be screaming at him, but I can't make myself articulate.  
  
"Severus, just tell."  
  
I interrupt him with a sudden rush of the truth. "I didn't keep my word."  
  
Silence. He just stands there staring at me, unblinkingly. I can't think of anything myself. My mind is blank. I knew it. It was a mistake. I never should have said it. I never should have said anything. I shake my head and snort at my own foolishness. I really am an insipid twit. Pathetic.  
  
I turn on my heel and walk down the opposite aisle and leave him standing there. I shake my head again. I begin to feel the pangs of shame. What the hell did I just do?  
  
Crisp Linen. My forgotten glass falls from my knee and shatters as I stand swiftly and draw my wand on the figure sitting just opposite of me in a chair.  
  
The glow from the fire dances across his face as he nods his head and my wand leaves my grasp and flies into his own.  
  
"Now really Severus. We won't be having any of that. It's considered impolite to draw a wand on another wizard without prior provocation."  
  
I stare, and gather my wits for a moment before quipping back with "It was more for my benefit than yours I assure you." My voice is still thick with sleep, but I ignore it and continue to stare at the younger wizard, who in turn stares back at me thoughtfully and I resist the urge to shudder under his gaze.  
  
"What are you doing here Potter?"  
  
"You invited me." He says pointedly, and turns his head to the side as if studying me.  
  
I feel the astonishment as it stretches over my features, but my voice remained flat, as ever, "Did I?"  
  
"Indeed. When you decided to tell me the truth that you had broke your word, as it was I that you had broken your word to, I'm allowed to reciprocate with an action or punishment I deem worthy. Am I incorrect in our understanding Severus?"  
  
I swallow hard, but maintain my mask of indifference. "Yes. You are correct."  
  
"Good." He smiled up at me, and my heart skipped a beat. "Please, sit Severus."  
  
I lever myself back in my chair, and my boots crunch on the broken crystal at my feet. I ignore it, but Potter raised an eyebrow to the mess and with a wave of his hand, the glass now resided on top of the mantle, gleaming in its flawless vanity.  
  
My eyes went from the glass back to the young wizard opposite me.  
  
He fiddles with my wand, and smiles a little. "Your eyes betray you Severus. You have no need to waste your fear on me." He looks from my wand in his hand to my face, his expression was hard. "I would never hurt you Severus. Ever."  
  
I feel myself nod, but my eyes have sunk to my boots. I suddenly feel guilty for not telling him sooner. My lack of trust in him may have inflicted damage to any false hope that I may have had. Only now does my brain present these consequences to me. I sigh heavily and pinch the bridge of my nose in attempts to relieve the pressure that's building behind my eyes. Damn.  
  
"Yes, well."  
  
"Save it Severus." The command was hard, and unrelenting. I sigh again and shook my head in despair. Forget it. Just fucking forget it.  
  
I may have sat there for only a few moments, but moments seemed to stretch into eternity before a strong hand cupped my jaw and raised my gaze to its owners face. Potter stared down at me, with a calculating look on his face, before situating his knees on the outer sides of my thighs. Now straddling my lap, he undid the clasp of his black teaching robe, and shrugged it to the floor beside my feet, followed soon by my wand. Sitting back onto my knees, he remains only in a button up muggle shirt and pants. Taking both of his hands to my face, he traces my cheekbones, and my eyebrows with his fingertips, all the while remaining absolutely silent.  
  
Throughout his ministrations, my heartbeat slows back to a normal pace. The stress and tension that had ravished my body these previous days, slowly dissolved under this gentle touch. I never close my eyes as he has told me not to on the previous occasions we have been together. I watch him as he watches me, than he suddenly leans in places a kiss upon my lips. It's neither lingering nor chaste, but only just right. As he pulls back he smiles again and whispers, "What took you so long?" 


End file.
